I had a panic attack in this shirt while I was having dinner with my mom. It was the panic attack that caused me to put my life on hold for a while. "No worries"- ironic, huh?
That panic attacked seemed to be the mother of all panic attacks. I mean, I was in a restaurant that I had been in several times with a person that I was comfortable with, but in five seconds flat that all changed. That day was the beginning of a new train of thought for me: "If I have panic attacks in places I am familiar with and comfortable in, then what the heck am I supposed to do?! I guess I'm just stuck in my bed for the rest of my life." Chugga chugga choo choo! Just me aboard this crazy train.
When I was in the midst of my panic attack, I rushed to the car, leaving some money behind for the bill. My mom came out to the car, wondering what happened, so I told her- I had a panic attack and I needed to go back to my room. She drove me there and I dived into bed as soon as I could, which is where I stayed for the rest of the night.
My roommate came in a little later to get ready for Bible study. I so desperately wanted to go with her, but I felt I was in a constant state of panic, so I justified to myself that I had too much studying to do, and I needed to stay in. But I didn't study. I found everything and anything online to distract me from how I was feeling. It didn't really work; I think it just made it worse.
I convinced myself to turn it all off and go to bed at around 3 A.M, but I needed music to help me sleep. I probably slept around four hours before my alarm went off- I had a test today.
For about an hour, I tried to feel normal; I took a shower and got dressed in a put-together outfit. I ended up throwing up my breakfast, then looking out my window, feeling worlds away mentally. So I emailed my teacher that I was sick and needed a makeup test, and I texted my boss the same, asking for the day off. I called my mom to take me home and the downward spiral continued.
The whole car journey home, I felt anxious, like my head was in another dimension. Once we pulled into the garage and got inside the house, I was expecting to feel relieved; this was home, the safest place ever. But once again, I was anxious and panicky, so I ran upstairs to my bed, and that's where I stayed for a month.
I was too anxious to shower, go downstairs to eat, or even go to the bathroom. I couldn't stand my anxiety when my eyes were open, so I kept them shut. Within a week of coming home, I had quit school, my job, my entire real life.
Over the years, my anxiety has made me feel forced to quit so many things. I've quit concerts, auditions, orchestras... friendships. Quitting friendships has got to be my biggest regret. That's why I deleted my Facebook last summer; I couldn't stand going on there anymore and seeing all my friends having fun together, posting pics with their friends, then realizing that I wasn't apart of their lives anymore.
My anxiety had convinced me that I wasn't able to do the fun things my friends were, so I couldn't join them. It also convinced me that no one would understand what I was going through, so I never brought it up. From sophomore year of high school on, I missed out on so many relationships and great opportunities that I wish time travel really did exist. But it doesn't. The only thing I can change is the future.
So, in the spirit of New Year's resolutions, I'm going to change all that. I'm going to stay in contact with all my friends, letting them know what's going on and how much I appreciate them. I want to repair all that damage I've done in the past. Also, I'm going to make room for new friends, the first step of that being to extend a virtual hand of friendship to ya'll that are reading this. If any of you are struggling with anxiety and have isolated yourselves from your real lives and friends, I'll be your friend, no problem, no questions asked. Let's build a strong community here so no one feels alone.
In addition to all this good will, I would also like to make an apology to all the friends I've quit and left behind. I've burned a lot of bridges during my battle with anxiety, so to all those people stuck on the other side of the canyon, I am deeply sorry for cutting you off and leaving you behind. I don't want to make any excuse because what I did was inexcusable (although this whole post is kind of one big excuse and pity party- sorry). All I ask is for your forgiveness, if you're able.
I'm a lot better now than I was that first week home. I'm able to take showers, go downstairs for extended periods of time, and even go out and about for a bit. I'm no where near where I want to be finally and indefinitely, but I'm getting there.
This weekend, I think I might watch the Lion King. It's kind of like the metaphor for my life. I hope someday I can move past the "Hakuna Matata" part of the movie and get to adding some responsibilities back into my life, including relationships. But for now, I'm working on having fewer worries.
k, bye.
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