When I was a freshman in high school, I went on an all girls youth group retreat. On one of the nights, we had a reflect-able craft making session. What we were asked to do was decorate a canvas heart we were given with colors, stickers, drawings, and whatever else to represent what was at the core of out being. So, I began to fill the heart, making a mess as per usual, and taking the assignment seriously, as is my way. I filled the heart with music notes, crafty bits, among other things (I don't have the heart anymore, so this is all taken from my shoddy memory). And just as I was about done, I was like, "Oh crap, I'm at a church retreat and I forgot to add Jesus." So I added the name Jesus in the corner of my heart, just as one of the leaders came behind me to look at what I had created. I remember feeling as if I had been caught, like I had done something wrong. And although right and wrong are relative terms these days, I knew I had done something wrong by not placing Jesus' name in the middle of my heart. But the problem was, the truth of the matter was that Jesus wasn't at the center of my heart. I was feeding my center with books and t.v. and anger.
I officially rededicated my life to Christ the summer before my sophomore year of high school. The funny thing is that it was sparked my a conversation/argument I had with my brother about Christianity. What's funny about that is that he is an agnostic. I told him I was a Christian, he asked why, and I said it was because I believed in God, and then he said there had to be more to it than that. It wasn't until later that it all clicked and I realized he was right.
After I rededicated my life to Christ, the rest of that summer and the few months following were great. I was invested in youth group, reading my Bible, and praying, dutifully fulfilling my New Year's resolutions but for real this time. Then there came a period of time where I fell out of my good habits and was floating further and further away from Christ. And the sad part is I don't think I've ever gotten back to where I was that summer.
I've come close, though. The following summer, I went on a missions trip with a different youth group. I made some good friends and I was on a great spiritual high for about a month, and then it just faded away. I also don't have those friendships anymore; what a shock.
Bringing the timeline back to today, I am still far from God. I am still feeding my soul with books and t.v. and anger. And the scariest part is I almost don't care (take notice of that "almost"). I've let my circumstances overcome me. And instead of turning to God who should be at the center of my wheel, where I would get the most fulfillment and comfort, I turn to t.v. shows and ruminating in my bitterness.
I don't have a solution to this or a comforting final note. I really just needed to work it out by writing and getting it off my chest. I will say that this is something I want to work on this year, and I will try to make an actual effort instead of just saying what people want to hear, which is what I usually do. If you guys have anything to add, please do in the comment section below; I could really use the encouragement.
k, bye.
