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As I'm writing this, I am cozied in my bed, looking out my window, and breathing in the fresh cool air from my slightly opened window. Why do I have my window open in the middle of October, you may ask? The answer is, I really don't know; a lot of reasons, I guess.
Fall has always been my favorite season. I know that's super "basic" but it's true. I love the smell and the feel of fall air more than any other other time during the year. I would describe it as cool as crisp, but that seems entirely too cliche and simple. Any time I breath in fall air, I am instantly transported to the past, a hazy nostalgia that I have no rush to escape. Fall air reminds me of soccer games, raking leaves, Halloween, youth retreats, and so much more: coming home on the bus and having hot cocoa and muffins waiting for me; finishing my homework early and watching the sunset at five; looking forward to each and every day.
I think I have been swimming in thoughts of the past because, in my current burden and affliction, I don't look forward to each and every day. You see, I have been suffering with severe anxiety and panic attacks for the past month. My brain has decided to go on the fritz, not allowing me to think I'm able to do all that I've been able to do before. And each morning when I wake, all I have on my agenda is my steady recovery of my heart and mind. While I've been cozied up in bed and reminiscing about fall, I realized that I have not enjoyed a fall season for about five years, ever since I started to experience anxiety and panic attacks, and that saddens me greatly.
I don't want this post to burden or sadden you guys in any way; I guess I just wanted to be honest with you, in order to foster a deeper sense of community. Although the past few weeks have been difficult, they have been filled with healing and growth. I have spent a lot of time reading the Bible and praying to God, more than I have in quite a while. I'll write later about what God has been teaching my in this season of my life, but for now I will say this: I think all of this needed to happen.
None of what has happened to me and within me is a surprise to God, not in the least. He knew this would happen and has used it as an opportunity to bring me back under His wing. Over the past few years, I have been so distracted by the world, mostly through technology, filling my head with entertainment instead of God's word. I have been practicing a lazy Christianity, simply going to church and Bible study, saying I'll have time alone with God but never actually. As dramatic and painful as the last few weeks have been, I know they needed to happen. And I know God will use it all for His glory, as long as I keep my heart surrendered to Him.
This isn't to say that all this realizing has come to me easily or that being a Christian with anxiety makes the whole thing easier. It most certainly does not. I went through a period at the beginning of all this severe anxiety where I was too anxious to leave my bed. I tried going to the doctor's and ended up having a panic attack there. All this hope the Holy Spirit has opened my eyes to has come through weeks of severe hardship and exhaustion in fighting my own thoughts, in fighting myself it seems. And even though the last few paragraphs make it seem that I am better now, I am still fighting. I have a long journey back to what I would consider normal. But all that hope isn't fake; it is more real than you or I can imagine. And I am depending on it for my recovery and the fight for my life.
In the spirit of encouragement, I want to share a verse I have often come back to that has been my favorite for quite some time. It's in the book of John and it goes,
"I tell you these things so that in me you may have peace.
For in this world you will have trouble, but take heart for I have overcome the world"
John 16:33
Over the years, this has been my "anxiety verse." Whenever I have felt extremely anxious or out of control, I force myself to recall this verse. It always causes me to view my anxiety in light of eternity and the bigger picture. I always tell myself, if God has already overcome the world, there's nothing for me to fear in this world.
I have also been reading much of the New Testament. And while no verse has stuck out to me in particular, all of it has been extremely comforting and reassuring. Reading all that Jesus did during His ministry, healing so many from sickness and disease, as well as casting out demons really gave me hope when I first began my intense Scripture readings, hope for the riddance of my own mental demons. Reading Paul's letters to all the different churches has helped me to feel sure in Christ of my salvation and the grace God gives through faith in Jesus Christ.
While reading a book called Never Go Back by Dr. Henry Cloud, a Christian psychologist, a verse from the Bible he quoted in the first chapter gave me even more hope and assurance of God's plan for me.
"It was good for me to be afflicted so that I might learn your decrees"
Psalm 119:71
This verse affirmed for me what I had already suspected: God is going to use this time to bring me closer to Him and to teach me His decrees. I wish I didn't have to be brought back to God's side in such a painful way, but I know this is the only way God could get my attention. I also know that God doesn't want me to give into anxiety and depression forever and that He will bring me out of this darkness. It will be a painful journey, but I can already tell God is going to use this whole experience for His glory somehow, and I can't wait.
I guess I ended up writing more than I intended regarding what God has been teaching me. Oops :/ I am going to leave it all in, though, as every word came from my heart and spirit onto the webpage. I'm sure God will teach me plenty more in the weeks to come and I 'll have more than enough to write about in the future.
The leaves in my backyard are absolutely gorgeous and the air still smells just as great as ever. I still can't decide on a way to describe it; I guess piercing would be a good word. While playing soccer each fall as a kid, I remember that every time I breathed deeply as I ran, my lungs would feel as if they were being pierced by tiny needles. It could've been the asthma, but I'm pretty sure it was the air. Although it hurt my lungs to run, I still ran, and I enjoyed it; it was a good kind of pain. And although this season of life pierces my soul and hurts all over, it's a good kind of pain. I know my suffering is not in vain. God works all things together for the good of those who love Him.
k, bye.
P.S. I know this isn't my usual witty and sarcastic writing style; it's a little more romantic and dramatic than I usually allow myself. I think I've been reading too many Christy Miller books too quickly (they're good books, though; ya'll should read 'em). I'll be back to my witty and charming self soon enough. But I wanted to let you guys know that every word here is true and heartfelt and I wouldn't change a single one. Okay, that's enough sappiness for now. Bye all.
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